Can you imagine no first dance...

HUGE NARUTO SPOILER so like don't read unless you're up to date...

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 08:17:47 GMT

why did he kill off kakashi? whyyyyy?

I have never been so upset by a death of a character before since spike dies in cowboy bebop, but that was ok because he might not be dead and it was the end of the series!

BUT THIS! this is adding to the trauma I already have.

I have this problem see, my favourite character always ends up dead. ALWAYS. My best freind finds it funny. i am traumatised.

anyway I am seriously broody and upset over this.

*runs off to cry in the corner*

I have a secret to tell

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 20:12:58 GMT

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Icon 5 doesn't need a punchline! rofl, god I'm funny -_-;;;;
DEDICATED TO THE RETURN OF ADI *\o/*

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 15:33:00 GMT

Dear anyone who remembers me,

Sorry i have not been around for a while. I am currently re-downloading photoshop illegally off the internet (hahahah i joke... its all legal... ) and hope to work on some icons today <insert: roundabout explanation for absense> I may have forgotten how to spell tricksy words like absence/ absense / absinth (the last one's a joke) but hopefully not all my talent has left me.

Lots of love,

Saba

closing the chapter on my insanity

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 02:39:11 GMT

I am finally ending this sorry saga of raging hormones. god, i was so horny.

anyway. it is done. finsihed. I will not check out my boss and have wild unhealthy fantasies about him.

I am grown

my last week at work

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 03:01:35 GMT

right, so it is officially my last week at work. could my life be anymore faux-melodramatic?

only if i tried

wait... i am JUST THAT BORED... so lets try.

update
my hot boss thinks i'm hot which is fun but my hot boss is the biggest player in Pakistan, perhaps in the world. i shit you not ladies and gentlemen. I thought people like mustafa naveed were only make-believe. However, this is ok. I refuse to fall for him again. Furthermore, I am not exactly angelic in this department so am hardly unprepared. Am completely over his arselessness but still have the occasional fantasy about him taking me on his desk <_<
BUT thats COMPLETELY normal. COMPLETELY. (cos its in capitals)

my nemesis turned close friend ameer had made it his life mission to get me stoned and/ or wasted while i was in Pakistan, which he succeeded in doing yesterday. I haven't slept at all, and may or may not be still a little stoned at the moment. I am not sure i haven't opened my mouth yet all day in fear...
we met at costa and had coffee first. unfortunately, this guy from work, sarmad, was there with his mates. There are several issues with this:
> Guys and girls don't just hang out in Pakistan and Sarmad isn't the most liberal guy I have seen
> I smoked a cigarette out of pure stress and despair - i don't smoke normally AT ALL... can count the number of times on one hand etc- (long story... to do with being bi-polar... i really shouldn't be smoking up either being bi-polar and what-not but again thats a LONG if not LONGER story) and women smoking cigarettes = BAD
> he was a good friend before but when he left he couldn't look me in the eye... COULDN'T LOOK ME IN THE EYE. how drama.

i went to the beauty parlour yesterday and for the first time a facial didn't cause me to have a severe allergic reaction. huzzah, and yes, I look devastating
> sidenote: my ego is astronomically huge. no, seriously. but its cool, because like i am self aware (keep telling yourself that saba) and is it really being arrogant if its true? (don't answer that... rhetorical question)

Present Projects
> i really need to start my research on gravitational waves <_<
> i really need to start applying for jobs for after i graduate >_>
> i really need to go out this week with a BANG. make sure they never forget me :D
> i really need to get them to pull through on their promise to take me out for dinner... bastards :D

revenge is a healthy hobby

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 02:54:08 GMT

<inner me> *i don't mean to be defeatist or anything, but I doubt this is going to work...*
<manic me> "SCREW YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL"

My plots for revenge (advice appreciated)

What I have
my ego (a dastardly asset)
access to his login and password as well as his office
the knowledge he finds me really really good-looking

What I don't have
(a life and a plane ticket out of Pakistan till 3rd Oct)
anybody who would possibly be sympathetic to my cause
cahones

Works in Progress
> I need conspirators. So today I will aim to subvert his power in the office, and the nearby offices.
> i will by sheer willpower not speak to him for the WHOLE DAY, with the aim of cutting off contact completely
> If he tries to be charming I will be CHARMING-ER. I will be the CHARMING-EST intern EVER. I will be cool and aloof and deadly..oooo...deadly

Over my Crush WOOT!

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 10:52:52 GMT

HE IS A COMPLETE TWAT WHO HAS NO ARSE. I HAVE GONE OUT WITH BETTER LOOKING GUYS WITH BETTER MANNERS WHO ARE MORE CHARMING AND GENERALLY BETTER.
I ACCEPT THAT NOT EVERYONE FALLS IN LOVE WITH ME ON FIRST SIGHT AND I WILL HAVE TO SUCK UP THE FACT
THAT HE ONLY FINDS ME HOT AND IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME

I AM OK

time to transfer feelings on to zahid, because i have not been so bored in my entire life.

wooot woot woot

Getting over my crush part 1

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 02:55:24 GMT

I AM A HOT, CHARMING, RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED WOMAN AND I DO NOT NEED THE AFFECTIONS OF A HOT, CHARMING ALBEIT SLIGHTLY SLEAZY, FAIRLY TALENTED MAN.

I AM A HOT, CHARMING, RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED WOMAN AND I DO NOT NEED THE AFFECTIONS OF A HOT, CHARMING ALBEIT SLIGHTLY SLEAZY, FAIRLY TALENTED MAN.

I AM A HOT, CHARMING, RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED WOMAN AND I DO NOT NEED THE AFFECTIONS OF A HOT, CHARMING ALBEIT SLIGHTLY SLEAZY, FAIRLY TALENTED MAN.

but if i do get them, all will be for the good. NO

I AM A HOT, CHARMING, RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED WOMAN AND I DO NOT NEED THE AFFECTIONS OF A HOT, CHARMING ALBEIT SLIGHTLY SLEAZY, FAIRLY TALENTED MAN.

but...

LA LA LA LA LA LA

I AM A HOT, CHARMING, RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED WOMAN AND I DO NOT NEED THE AFFECTIONS OF A HOT, CHARMING ALBEIT SLIGHTLY SLEAZY, FAIRLY TALENTED MAN.

(this is at 8:45 am. i wonder what happens by the end of the day)

becasue being sexually harassed doesn't get funnier than this

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 13:43:22 GMT

i am bored so will henceforth list the numerous occasions I have been sexually harassed in the last two days at work:

"So, Saba, are you going to stay back late tonight with me?"
<awkward silence>
"...ummm, no i'll think i'll pass"
<laughter>
"no, no no i didn't mean it like that!" <laughs> "i meant will you stay late with me..." <laughter>
...half an hour later... and on the 10th 'slip of the tongue'
"So, Saba, ..."
"NO means NO mustafa"
"geez, woman chill out"

I stand in front of the glass wall..." huh? whats wrong?"
*spins around to see mustafa doing the... i dunno the fisty elbowy dance move at my back*
mustafa stops mid lunge to point back at the other guy in front of me who is now doing the same thing.

"C'mon Saba you know we appreciate you deep down inside"
"Appreciation my arse" (i fell face first into this one)
"Well, now thats different"

"Right, now if you're family is trying to get you hitched have no fear the three of us will come over at say 9. you can call me goo" <thats like honey in pakistan> " call sarmad sweetie, faraz frisky and ameer touchy feely. We'll say you're coming with us and that at 12... well ... wa heeeeey"

Take 2: "Right, now if you're family is trying to get you hitched have no fear the three of us will come over at say 9. with Sarmad you pretending to bring a proposal of marriage"
"Alright!"
"I'll be the father and do what fathers do... i'll put some powder on my hair and follow you round the house and be checking you out"

"Who's giving a party in your honour?"
*before I can answer*
"Saba is gonna get jiggy - bom chika wa waaaah"

*mustafa does the i'm watching you hand signal thorugh the glass room divider"
"Stop checking her out mustafa."
*mustafa does the i'm watching you hand signal while smiling and winking"

"Did you hear about the intern snatcher. He hooked up with an intern and they've met each other's parents and everything" I say
" Really, I wish I could get me an intern" mustafa says quietly
<awkward silence...because I actually had a huge crush on my boss for a month, which I had been over for a grand total of two days...twat>

"Saba, why don't you stay here?"
"What, in Citi?"
"No, in my office."

"Right, Saba, I need you to come to my department and help me check some numbers"
*I follow this guy to his department and read out numbers from a sheet of paper while he confirms them on a spread ... WTF???*
...on my return...
"Don't worry Saba, we'll get him to send over a proposal smartish"

When I'm a-walking I strut my stuff and I'm so strung out

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 12:00:27 GMT

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SAMURAI CHAMPLOO

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COWBOY BEBOP

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the life of a displaced bipolar kid

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 07:17:54 GMT

sigh

I am currently doing an internship in Paksitan for two months for kicks and giggles, and due to LOUSY internet access i haven't as yet been able to post anything except my current rant...

Yesterday, I got up, went to work. I had been feeling on top of the world the last few days, becoming really friendly with everyone at work, which, in Pakistan as a girl isn't always approved. However, my colleagues at work are chilled out and they don't seem to mind.

But thats where the problems start. Who would worry if someone becomes friendly? Its normal, if not appreciated. So there I am, at my peak, joking, laughing, being witty, flirting with my boss who I have a huge crush on because I am apparently still 12 inside... <_<;

I am ready to go home.

I have been waiting for my cousin to take me ANYWHERE for over a week. In London, I am used to doing whatever i want. I feel bored, i go out with my friends. I feel hermitty and my best friend comes over and we be sad and hermitty together... except I have been slowly becoming manic as the days go by. Sleeping 5 hours a day, excelling at work, life and my make-believe relationship with my boss.

Its 5, i'm leaving an hour early to go home and do shopping. I tell my boss i have to go because my second husband found out about my first and i need to do some serious damage control. He laughs, I wait. My cousin isn't collecting me anymore and i can feel myself getting agitated, naturally. She sends the driver to collect me, except he's late... 5:30. My colleagues are teasing me relentlessly, all buddy buddy, like I had been doing earlier. Except now I am in no mood for it. Nevertheless, I stay smiling but my witty remarks are more cutting. My voice louder and angrier. I finally leave.

The taxi driver keeps the front windows open for circulation as I choke on the thick black exhaust fumes and the smell of decomposing waste and manure. When I finally get home there are guests so I go and help my aunt. My cousin phones and tells me abruptly to wake up my her brother so that he can drive us to the market. He is fast asleep. In between tea and biscuits I am banging on hisbedroom door and answering my cousin on the phone who is telling me that it'll b my fault if we're too late to go... fresh from someone who's cancelled on me twice.

He wakes and leaves to collect my cousin. She lives 2 minutes away. They get back 20 minutes later. The guests have by this time left and I go downstairs to get in. My cousin sends me back to get me grandma and some material - my grandma??? WHY? i am cursing inside - my grandma is praying and says she isn't going - i am thanking god- I grab the material and go down.

My cousin doesn't beliee that my grandma doens't want to go and goes back up. They come down together and my grandma is like i said i wanted to go! i am ready to smack something at this point.

I get in the car. More guests arrive. We get out and go back upstairs. At 8 they finally leave. I am by this point bursting with rage. Getiing serious palpatations, I run around at full speed searching for my cousins bag, which turns out to be in the car after all. When we finally drive off, my mind is throbbing. Not a headache, I mean like i'm ready to burst.

My grandma tells me my room is a complete mess - it isn't- she's laughing but she's actually telling me off. My cousins look at me to check my reaction... will she answer back? will she get upset, angry? like a bloody pack of vultures waiting for me to slip up. I start feeling defensive and getting more and more sensitive. I say ok, i'll try harder.

We get to the market. My granma and my cousin walk off together. My other cousin goes to the mosque to pray. I can feel tears burning in my eyes. This is the second time i have gone out in a month. and it turns out the only reason is because they both have other things to do. Suddenly everyone in the market is looking at me. Dark faces with bright gleaming eyes. Everybody can see that i don't fit in. my heart beats faster. I am suddenly scared of everything.

I walk after them, miserable.

I wnated to buy some material to make a dress i had seen in a magazine. my cousin had told me earlier in the week it was a brilliant idea, except now she doesn't know what I'm talking about and that it won't look good. She says that none of the three things i wanted to make will look good infact and that i should make this dress that she had thought of.

I insist on the magazine dress but also accept another dress of her choosing. She keeps saying that it won't look goodand that she doesn't understand, except she's seen the picture and had said ok before. I am getting upset. WHy is telling me i am useless in front of everybody. THe people on the stalls are looking.

We go to a chiffon shop. My cousin starts again and in my exasperation i say i don't want it anymore. She tells me to stop being so stupid and laughs. My grandma asks what it was i wanted made. My cousin explains and my grandma makes a face and she laughs. I can't take it anymore. The shopkeeper is staring at me. I tell my cousin, my grandma and my other cousin (who has returned) to just forget it. I try to usher them out. They laugh and tell me not to get excited and insist i stay. I go silent and stare balnkly at the cloth. My tears are swelling. My other cousin snorts and says, "whats there to cry about?" THe shophelpers snap towards me. I snap back, "I'm not crying"
I wasn't then, and why were they laughing at me making a scene when it was them who were drawing attention to me. I chose the colth.

We leave, on the way out. They all start talking, telling me that its stupid to get upset and that we should buy this for me and that for me. I walk ahead. I am 21 years old and i am not crying because i want something. except i am crying. my face contorts as i try to stop it. I force a smile. The stall keepers are staring. My cousin jumps ahead. Why are you crying?
Everyone's shouting
Noone's shouting

She takes me aside. I burst into tears as she drags me to the dye house. Heat and dust plastered on my face like a thick towel. I tell her its not about the jokes, its not about the dress. and it wasn't. i just can't stop crying.

I tell her i'm bipolar.

she says yes, i get depressed sometimes too and asks what medication i have taken. shes a doctor and i tell her she doesn't understand.

i sit down. My speech is getting stunted. I can't form words anymore. I am shaking as i cry and am stuttering out words in a language i barely speak, walking serenely towards the car with my other cousin and my grandma walking behind. We're almost there. I break down.

Calming myself i sit in the car and scratch out my hand till i stop crying. It takes me an hour.

My cousin gives me a sleeping pill to help me sleep.

i woke up today with large red scratches all over my hand, and big pink brown crescents where my nails dug in. My grandma wonders why the mosquitos always bite me.

Naruto + Bunny = OTP

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 11:39:07 GMT

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Should have gone to specsavers

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RESOURCES

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:23:23 GMT

many many many thanks to the following:
77words for all the textures
graceful_aglaia for all the textures
www.animegalleries.net
www.onemanga.com for all the images!

heartaches trump headaches every single time

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 22:59:52 GMT

I dream a lot.
I dream more than most. Vividly. I dream too much sometimes. And thats when the confusion really starts. That pause before you do something. Did I do that, did I daydream doing that? Am I rememering my dream last night? Did I just dream predict my future into existence? A surprisingly large number of thoughts surrounding a pair of white socks in the top shelf of my cupboard. I'll think about it for a minute longer before realising that I was supposed to write at least one page in my diary today becuase that one page that i had wrote last year hadn't been turned until today and it couldn't possibly mean that I don't have the stamina to write a journal. It means I'm just forgetful, but at least i'm not a quitter dammit. Don't jud...
Neuroses.
Some times my sentences go on forever and when that happens I always overuse my commas, like that errrm in between speech, to rest cramping fingers or nudge my thoughts back into order or occasionally because grammar should have been instilled into me alongside reading and 'rithmetic.

New icons! With a touch of angst! \o/

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 12:50:56 GMT

Teasers:

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BANNERS

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FIRST ICON POST! HUZZAH.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 18:10:43 GMT

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Naruto icons:

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Comments are loved
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